It’s so easy to drift through life busy with the day to day to find ourselves asking Where did all the years go?…

Maybe now is the time to CONSCIOUSLY decide WHAT we want our FUTURE to be…

If you’ve lost someone recently or are dealing with unresolved grief  my heart genuinely goes out to you.

For you, I guess this newsletter may be particularly poignant or difficult to read.

My intention is for it to help all of us make better choices going forward – to learn from the past and live happier, fuller lives.

So how do we CHOOSE a happier future?

Bronnie Ware, a Palliative Care Nurse, wrote a book summarising the deathbed regrets of her patients.

Most common deathbed regrets: Top 5

I wish I had…

1 – Had the courage to be true to me, not what others expected of me

It can take courage to go against the expectations of loved ones and society but it’s better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb than halfway up the wrong one.

Being yourself may be hard to articulate, even to yourself. Maybe you know exactly what you want to do, or maybe all you feel unfulfilled, directionless, apathetic.

A tiny step or small decision are great starting points. Move towards what brings you joy. Be prepared to abandon your current ladder and start again. If you feel rudderless – a coach could be helpful to identify your direction (I recommend Joanne Sumner Life Coach)

2 – Not worked so hard

There is nothing wrong with loving the work we do – in fact, we should AND we need balance to ensure work leaves room for time with and contribution to loved ones, self and community.

True value is not what you own, your worldly accolades but who you are – dying people knew this and wished for a simpler life with greater balance.

3 – Had the courage to express my feelings

Many adults find it hard to express their feelings honestly for fear of judgement or rejection, or the assumption others will magically know.

They usually don’t.

Start with small acts of bravery – compliments, thanks for the help given or a good job done, work up to the big stuff eg expressing your anger/love for an estranged parent.

You can never control the reactions of others but you can release damaging negative emotions and filter/deepen relationships through honest communication.

Ensure you know those you value to know how you feel.

Apologise when you make a mistake, clean the slate of guilt regularly.

4 – Stayed in touch with my true friends

Everyone has friends, but how many would be there through the absolute hardest times.

They offer history, acceptance, love and understanding.

Though lives get busy, these are the friends it’s worth every ounce of effort to maintain your connection with.

5 – Let myself be happier

Be happy now, enjoy the journey rather than focus exclusively on the goal.

Stop self-pity, focus on gratitude.

There will always be learning, some bring sadness some happiness – accept this and make happiness a conscious choice. Be silly and playful.

Focus on what’s positive rather than negative.

We have a chance NOW to review our lives…

Our work-life priorities, the quality of time we spend with loved one’s, the levels of authenticity in our relationships and our communication.

We have an opportunity to grow…

If you need any help, just give me a call – I’m here to support you and doing online video sessions

and I’m restarting Face to Face (2m distanced) sessions from 24th June

Wishing you Well & Happy

Nichola
Crisis Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner
www.londonlifesolutions.com
nichola@londonlifesolutions.com
07946 526 838

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Thank You

So, how’s it been going?… Were you able to choose Happiness last week using Rules 1-8 (see How to be Happy – Part 1)?

Maybe you had some wins and some losses. It’s easy to get sidetracked by the ups and downs of everyday life.

It seems that Happiness takes practice. Maybe the more we practice the happier we become…

Last week, we learnt that while it’s easy to feel that our happiness depends on our circumstances the research tells us that…

Happiness is a CHOICE

Now just to stress this again – I’m excluding those with depression from this statement

For people with depression, Happiness requires hard work and support
– so if you need support please get in touch – I’m here to help

For those who are suffering from low mood or the current crisis knocking them sideways…

So how do we CHOOSE to be Happy?

According to author Karl Moore, there are 18 Rules to Happiness…

How to be Happy Part 2

Here are Rules 10-14

• Be more social – countless studies on happiness demonstrate that happy, successful people have a strong social network – lots of friends, family or colleagues to call – your online socials count – reach out and reconnect.
• Love more – not the unhealthily clingy relationship type but more an open, warm, all-accepting love like a mother for a child or a child for their puppy – for no good reason just acknowledge the basic good in everyone, open up and love the world – try to suspend judgement – no one’s perfect all the time.
• Have a dream – without something to inspire us forward we become bored, tired and apathetic. Clarify your dreams and goals, write them down and enjoy taking action to move towards them – despite or perhaps because of Lockdown.
• Intention sets direction – if you expect something to be great it often is and vice versa – the reality is unchanged but your filter identifies the good or the bad depends on your focus. Set your positive intention for each day, situation, dream, relationship.
• Enjoy simple pleasures – fresh sheets, sun on your face, fresh coffee in the morning, laughing with an old friend. Take your pick – little and often fill your happiness account.

Here are Rules 15-18

• Accept what is – pushing against what is right now creates tension, stress and lack of clarity – no amount of being upset will change the situation – accept reality as is then take clear action to move towards your goal (our choice to change your goal to something more congruent with your current reality).
• Exercise and eat well – boost endorphins and serotonin by exercise 3 times a week, visit foodandmood.org for mood-enhancing meal ideas, maybe try an omega 3 supplement shown to boost mood.
• Zoom out regularly and don’t sweat the small stuff – it’s often at major life events like births, deaths (or global pandemics perhaps) we see what’s really important – regularly zoom out and check your priorities are straight.
• Laugh, dance, smile – surround yourself with happiness and watch it rub off – positive people, music, images, comedy. Dancing boosts serotonin levels – even online 🙂

Whilst Happiness is indeed a choice, when times are tough it can be pretty challenging to make that choice by yourself

If you need any help, just give me a call – I’m here to support you and online or face to face in Acton, Chiswick or Windsor.

Wishing you Well & Happy

Nichola
Crisis Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner
www.londonlifesolutions.com
nichola@londonlifesolutions.com
07946 526 838

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Thank You

How to Be Happy?

So, how’s your mood?…

Does it feel like the tide is turning a little?

Things are opening up, the R rate is staying down. The sun is here to stay and we’re allowed out to enjoy it.

Things are getting better, right?

Maybe it’s time to be happy again…

While it’s easy to feel that our happiness depends on our circumstances, research tells us that…

Happiness is a CHOICE

Now to be clear – I’m excluding those with depression from this statement.

For people with depression, Happiness requires hard work and support – so if you need support please get in touch – I’m here to help.

For those who are suffering from low mood or are knocked sideways by the current crisis…

So how do we CHOOSE to be Happy?

According to author Karl Moore, there are 18 Rules to Happiness…

How to Be Happy? Here are Rules 1-5

•  Stop feeling sorry for ourselves – self-pity drains our resources to make positive change. We might have to start small, we might need some help to get moving. But we can always make things better than they are right now (Emo Logging would help)
• Be grateful – Gratitude is a powerfully positive emotion that we can create any time we choose to raise our mood – make gratitude a habit – every morning and night think of 3 things to be grateful for – in time be grateful in the moment for every blessing.
• Say Yes more – “No” closes off many of life’s wonderful experiences and causes us to resist what’s happening around us. Buddhists call it flowing with the river of life – saying “yes” more injects more fun, more expansion & more excitement into our lives.
• Follow your Bliss – bliss is what we’re doing when we’re so immersed in it, it doesn’t even feel like work – it could be our career, our favourite sport, our family, our DIY project – whatever it is for you, seek to spend more time doing it.
• Learn to let go – Ask “can I let go of this emotion?” If yes great let it wash away and feel your body unclench, if no that’s fine – hold onto it for a while just remember it’s a choice. Letting go in no way condones or forgives it’s simply a choice to stop allowing something external to eat at you any longer (EFT is excellent for this).

Here are Rules 6-9

• Do random acts of kindness – how well does it feel when we randomly do something nice for someone without the expectation of reward or acknowledgement? – charitable acts, simple kindness they don’t need to be grand or expensive, just frequent, to fill up your happiness account
• Happiness is only ever Now – Stop worrying about the past or waiting to be happy in the future – enjoy the journey, practise living in the moment – don’t miss the beautiful sunset thinking about who you will share the photo with
• Experience don’t hoard – studies show having financial security makes us happier BUT happiness created by material things is transient – investing in experiences creates greater lasting happiness. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive and you can even do it on your own
• See both sides of the coin – the truth is we can’t experience true happiness in life without experiencing sadness – without sadness we have no scale on which to measure happiness

Whilst Happiness is indeed a choice. When times are tough it can be pretty challenging to make that choice by yourself

So if you need any help, just give me a call. I’m here to support you – online or face to face in Acton, Chiswick or Windsor.

Wishing you Well & Happy.

(Keep on reading: How to be More Happy (part 2)

Nichola
Crisis Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner
www.londonlifesolutions.com
nichola@londonlifesolutions.com
07946 526 838

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Thank You

How to Boost your Self Esteem

So, how’s your self-esteem doing?…

Perhaps you’re less productive than your colleagues

Maybe you’re eating junk food and vegging on the sofa

Perhaps your children have become a little feral

How are you doing versus everybody else? …

TRICK QUESTION!!!!

Above all, comparing ourselves to others feeds insecurity

External validation – the approval of others – delivers fragile self-esteem

Internal Validation creates rock-solid confidence

So why on earth do we seek external validation?

1.  Because we are pack animals – we’re genetically programmed to create hierarchies
2.  It can feel really good when we’re the top of the hierarchy
3.  Society rewards “Best is Best” – school places, performance bonuses, promotions

BUT you’re only the best until someone better walks into your life

AND
you may find yourself stuck excelling at something that brings you zero Joy

Why Internal Validation creates genuine Happiness:

• When we focus on what makes us happy we create authentic self measures vs “shoulds”
• No one can do “You” better than You
• With authentic self measures, we achieve our full potential and rock-solid self-esteem
• By eliminating “I Win-You Lose” competition we can develop a growth mindset and:
• be authentically generous about other’s success
• openly ask for help
• After that admit mistakes and learn from them
• enjoy healthy competition
• because inspire trust

Internally Validated people are supportive, authentic, motivated, happy and CHARISMATIC

How to Boost your Self Esteem: Tips to Overcome Comparing Ourselves to Others:

1. Remember the benefits of internal validation – be your happiest, best self, more of the time
2. Identify what authentically makes you happy
3. eg Harmonious Family Time, Adventure, Making a Difference, Security

NB: Keep asking yourself “why is that important to me” until you run our of why’s and get to:

1. an external validation eg because everyone looks up to me as the best
2. or a genuine internal validation eg I feel proud that I’m making a difference
3. Identify specific measures of how you’d know you are doing a good job in these areas
4. Make your decisions large and small based on improving in these areas
5. Ask – how am I doing vs last week/year /month? take action to improve
6. In addition, Be Aware – everyone slips back into external validation sometimes – as mammals, we can’t help it – catch it early and change your viewpoint

And of course, if you need any more in-depth help, please call on 07946 526 838 or contact me here.

I’m here to support you – online or face to face in Acton, Chiswick or Windsor.

Wishing you Well & Happy

Nichola
Crisis Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner
www.londonlifesolutions.com
nichola@londonlifesolutions.com
07946 526 838

If you’re not already signed and would like to receive further Newsletters from me please click here.
Thank You

So, how’s the atmosphere at home? …

Long term relationships need win: win outcomes or resentment and tempers will boil over

Is one party focussing solely on their own needs rather than the health of the relationship?

Remember you are on the SAME TEAM – the issue is understanding
NOT who’s right or wrong

Above all, What needs are not being met on each side?

Common Needs that could be suffering right now…

Autonomy Respect Privacy
Security Consideration Support
Connection Appreciation Choice
Peace Understanding Trust

Seek to understand the “Why” with a view to compromising

Ask “Why is this important to you?”

Ask “What is the downside of doing it my way?” (get specifics, not generalisations)

Explain why it’s important to YOU – because they likely will have no idea

Listen and repeat back to check to understand

Avoid saying “No” – try saying “Maybe…” try the idea on before you throw it out

Tips to manage conflict calmly:

1.  Seek to understand and let the others understand you – ask yourself “what NEED am I/they defending here?”
2. Keep the focus on the objective rather than getting sidetracked into detail – it’s NEVER about emptying the dishwasher (that one’s probably respect/appreciation)
3. Look for a win: win outcome – ask “what’s in it for each party” – both parties should walk away reasonably satisfied
4.  Use good conflict management ground rules: Respect – assume the other person has a reasonable point you just don’t get yet
   Courtesy – no raised voices, name-calling or childish antics
   Uninterrupted listening – wait til the other has finished speaking before replying
   Focus on Future, Focus on solution
5. If it gets heated agree to take a 5-minute break, calm down and come back to it – use notes if you need help remembering your points
6. Remember – if you have children, they are watching and learning how to negotiate from you – walk the walk 😉

I’m here to support you – online or face to face in Acton, Chiswick or Windsor.

Wishing you Well & Happy

Nichola
Crisis Counsellor, Hypnotherapist and EFT practitioner
www.londonlifesolutions.com
nichola@londonlifesolutions.com
07946 526 838

If you’re not already signed and would like to receive further Newsletters from me please click here.
Thank You